


Shitty Predicament

by Ceileice



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Clearly a LeoPika, Floating Poo, Hisoka NO, M/M, Now that's what I call a -royal FLUSH-, This is a LeoPika, Toilet Exorcism, dookles, poopiey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:32:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4988557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceileice/pseuds/Ceileice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurapika returns home to find shit in the toilet. Kurapika is not taking anymore shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shitty Predicament

It was seven o'clock at night. The sun was still setting, indicating the season, and many stores were beginning to close down.

Kurapika, our lovely protagonist, was arriving home slightly early from his job of baby-sitting a troubling spoiled brat. As he unlocked the front door to his humble abode, he began to think about the first thing he would do; take a piss. God, he needed to piss so badly that it was hurting his bladder.

He finally opened the door after four seconds of struggling. When he entered the building, he was met with the sight of the plaid walls, flooring, and carpets. The bland plaid-ness was entirely the fault of another person living in the building. And Kurapika was wondering where they were.

"I'm back." he announced in his usual emotionless, cool voice.

He received no response.

 _Huh, that's odd_ , Kurapika thought, _That bastard usually nearly trips over his dick begging me to make dinner..._

He shook his head. _Nah, it's still a little early. It might take him a little longer to register the simple fact that I actually am here._

With a smug look on his face, Kurapika nodded. Then he remembered that he needed to piss. In one brief motion, he swiftly locked the door from the inside, and afterwards proceeded to move upstairs.

"Great, finally." Kurapika sighed as he burst open the bathroom door. God forbid if someone was actually in there taking a dump or something, he needed to piss badly. And he would gladly shove their ass off the toilet.

Kurapika began to unzip his pants (he has a zipper on those?) as he lifted the shiny white lid of the porcelain throne. But just as he thought he would finally be relieved of his nearly bursting bladder, he noticed something. Something floating around in the toilet. Something floating around in the toilet that was quite clearly a big fat wad... OF SHIT!

"FUCKING LEORIO!" Kurapika screamed. The scream was almost as loud as the thud created when he slammed the toilet lid down.

He angrily stormed out of the bathroom, pants still unzipped, and continued screaming. "How the FUCK do you forget to FLUSH THE TOILET?!?"

Kurapika received no response. Cringing to himself, he decided to get his hands on that bastard 'Leorio' himself. This was inexcusable; leaving SHIT in the toilet? _Such a childish prank_ , the angry Kurta thought.

Since Kurapika never came to the conclusion that the toilet possibly failed to flush, he began to angrily bang on the door to the master's bedroom, which was locked.

"WHY THE FUCK AM I LOCKED OUT?!" he continued to rant, "Let me the FUCK in!"

Still no response.

Kurapika was certainly not the kind of man who enjoyed being played as a fool. Nope, not at all. His eyes were becoming red; his blood immediately rushing to his veins. If 'Leorio' didn't open the door, he was surely going to break it down! And just the thought of that made the angry Kurta calm down... a little.

 _Wait.. Count to ten..._ he thought to himself, shutting his eyes. _I can't break down this door; this hell hole of a house we live in is already torn enough._

Kurapika's eyes returned to their normal shade. He let out a deep sigh after he had finally made it to the number ten in his mind. Slowly raising a hand, he began to knock on the door.

"Hello, Leorio? Are you there?" he asked, trying to remained composed.

And yet, he still received no response.

Kurpika sighed again. _He's sleeping. He's sleeping. That stupid bastard is sleeping._

He still needed to piss very badly, and his pants were still unzipped. What the hell!

Kurapika stared at a large jackhammer in the distance. He then began to contemplate suicide. But before he could turn to go get it, the door to the master's bedroom opened up.

"FINALLY!" Kurapika yelled, his anger rising.

The door opened slowly, and when it finally revealed the light of the room, Kurapika pupils shrinked in pure shock.

Standing in front of him was Hisoka. His hair was dyed yellow and he was wearing overalls.

Kurapika screamed. The first thing that came out of his mouth was, "Why the FUCK are you a minion?"

Hisoka fucking blinked. "Your pants are unzipped." He licked his lips.

"Okay, but you're a fucking minion?" Kurapika responded.

Hisoka shook his head. "Turn around so I can give you a wedgie."

Kurapika bitch slapped him. "WHERE THE FUCK IS LEORIO?"

Hisoka sighed and pulled a cigarette out of his ass. He then lit it with his magical hair and started smoking. Before he answered the angry smol man's question, he blew smoke in his face. "Oh, Leorio? Who's that?"

That did NOT answer the question at all. And Kurapika was pissed.

"No smoking in the building," he began, his anger boiling again, "and Leorio is one of your unripened fruits."

Hisoka just stood there in his too-small overalls. His buttcheeks were hanging out in the back but he really didn't care. "Eh... Oh, him, Leorio."

He then shrugged and started moving along. Extending an arm, he tried to grab Kurapika's left buttcheek but he was kicked down the stairs instead.

"lol!" Kurapika exclaimed. He then proceeded to enter the master's bedroom, where he hoped his culprit was.

"Aha!" Kurapika exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at the only other person in the room. Leorio.

He was busy, much too busy, counting his money. He had a lot of money for some reason and Kurapika found it fishy as fuck, but he still needed to pee so he didn't really care.

"I thought you didn't charge your patients...?" Kurapika slowly asked, but then yelled, "WAIT, WHY THE FUCK WAS HISOKA HERE??!"

Leorio stared at his tiny boyfriend.

"Oh, him? He just paid me after I sold him an antique poker deck I found in the closet."

"Okay, but he was dressed as a fucking MINION?" Kurapika asked. He was still suspicious of this shit.

Leorio shurgged. "He's Hisoka. You can't question his fashion taste."

Kurapika nodded to himself. He knew it was true but...

"So why are your pants unzipped? I'm too busy counting my cash to bang you, you know." Leorio inquired.

Kura_pida was fucking PISSED. He was already mad about the comments he received about his pants being unzipped and Hisoka trying to grab his ass. But that last comment, it was UNCALLED for.

On the 'bright' side, he remembered that he needed to complain about the FLOATING SHIT in the TOILET.

Kurapika began ranting again, "I was going to a FUCKING PISS UNTIL I NOTICED THAT THERE WAS A FLOATING TURD IN THE TOILET!" He then pointed ANOTHER accusing finger at Leorio. "AND CLEARLY ITS YOUR SHIT. I KNOW IT. We had Indian last night."

"What the fuck Kurapika, that's not my turd." Leorio was confused?

"Yes it is."

"Nope."

"Yes."

"Nope."

"BULLSHIT!"

"It could indeed be bullshit."

"I NEED TO FUCKING PISS!" Kurapika exclaimed. He was so, so, so, pissed (pun intended?) and done with Leorio right now.

Leorio replied, "Why don't you just flush the freaking turd down, then? Clearly, I'm busy right now."

"Because..."

"Also, I'm getting quite tired of seeing your pants unzipped." Leorio butted in.

"BECAUSE..." Kurapika continued, raising his voice, "... ... ... It's not my shit."

The room filled with silence.

"...You won't flush it because it isn't yours?"

"That's correct."

Leorio facepalmed. What the fuck, Kurapika.

"Fine." Leorio started. He was done with Kurapika as well. "I'll flush the fucking toilet."

Leorio angrily SLAMMED his pile of cash down and stomped his way to the bathroom. _What the fuck, Kurapika_ , was all he could think. Kurapika followed him.

Once he was in the bathroom, he sighed and took the handle of the toilet, causing it to flush. After a few seconds, they heard a strange noise - one obviously indicating that the fucking toilet DIDN'T FLUSH.

Leorio lifted the lid. There, stirring around in the toilet, was a big fat turd.

Kurapika raised an eyebrow.

"..."

Leorio flushed again. Same result.

The water in the toilet had risen too high. If flushed once more, it would spill onto the floor. And nobody wanted shitty water all over the floor!

"..."

"Flushing the toilet is so easy, isn't it?" Kurapika asked, being assy.

"Shut up. You didn't even TRY to flush the toilet." Leorio retorted.

For many minutes they stared into the toilet bowl - glaring at the fat brown lard swimming around in it. Kurapika swore that thing glared back at him, but then again it was just poop.

"Who..." Leorio began, nostrils flaring, "...Took... A SHIT?!?!?"

"You." Kurapika calmly answered.

"I DID NOT SHIT." Leorio clarified.

Kurapika yelled, "I STILL NEED TO PISS!"

"PISS IN THE GODDAMN SINK!"

"THAT'S DISGUSTING! WE WASH OUR HANDS THERE!"

"My, my," somebody interrupted their heating argument, "Can't a magician discreetly take a shit in peace~?"

It was Hisoka, who's hair was now on fire. When Kurapika kicked him down the stairs, his lighter lit his hair on fire. So his hair was on fire.

Kurapika screamed like an angry Chinese man, "YOU SHIT IN MY TOILET!?!?!"

"Yes~"

"Magician my ass! You're a fucking clown!" Leorio exclaimed.

"Magician your ass?" Hisoka licked his lips.

"Hisoka, if you really claim to be a magician come make this wad of SHIT disappear from MY TOILET." Kurapika commanded.

Hisoka, still in his ass-tight overalls, clicked his heels and walked in.

"Fine, baby. But I'll only do it for you." he said.

"Shut the fuck up and get rid of this turd."

Hisoka chuckled before they stepped aside. Stopping at the toilet, Hisoka bent over. He then extended his arms. Slowly lowering them to the toilet bowl, Leorio and Kurapika's eyes nearly bulged out of their heads, like WTF?

Hisoka's bloodlust activated. In THE BATHROOM. He had on his creepy clown face and his nails extended just like his arms had toward the toilet bowl seconds before. Opening his mouth, he screamed.

"COME TO PAPAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

"Holy FUCK!" Kurapika and Leorio were FUCKING SCARED! WHAT THE FUCK WAS HISOKA DOING?!

A beam of pink light emerged from the toilet. It then spread throughout the room and everyone - except Hisoka - was blinded by it.

"..."

After the light cleared, the two nearly-sane individuals stopped shielding their eyes and blinked.

"See?" Hisoka asked. He presented to them a cleaner and shinier version of their toilet. "All done."

The clown clicked his heels, popped his ass, then turned toward the exit to the bathroom. His exit was flawless, and the two others could swear that sparks flew as he left.

But what they didn't know was that it came from his flaming hair.

"..."

"SO..." Leorio began, "The turd is gone."

Kurapika slowly nodded. "...Y-Yes."

"..."

"I don't think I need to piss anymore, Leorio."

"..."

"...Yeah."

Kurapika zipped up his pants, although slowly and deeply disturbed. He then slowly inched to the toilet, poked it, and sat next to it.

Whispering to the toilet, Kurapika asked, "Did he molest you?"

Leorio began to pat the toilet as well with tears forming in his eyes. "You poor thing, you!"

That night, Kurapika was too fucking scared to piss in the toilet. He peed in the kitchen sink instead, where he had to scrub it out over ten times.

...

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> lol


End file.
